pure, unadulterated & totally desified...

Life is just that...

2010-05-30T16:58:00.006+02:00

When you read stories about babies who were abused when they were 6 months old, and children who died when they were yet to escape the grasp of innocence..you wonder...what is life all about? Is there really someone controlling all this..do the words 'karma' and 'fate' mean anything on the other side of life, or were these words invented to comfort us during our lifetimes to not think about death? What is good & what is bad...who defined what was good or did it all start with the definition of what was bad and avoiding that was being good? When you start to look at life around you with a magnifying glass you realise that its not fair or just, its a culmination of choices and decisions and that is all there is to it. Politics is a good example..fifty years from now, there will be a new breed of "apparently" forward-thinking modern politicians with "new ideas" who will still make the same decisions and mistakes. George W. Bush, probably one of the stupidest people to ever represent one of the most powerful nations on Earth or any nation for that matter - the results of the decisions and choices he made while in power are there for everyone to see every single day when you switch on the TV to any news channel...10 soldiers dead.....another bomb explosion...there were never any WMD says a new report.

Do you for a moment think that this keeps Mr Dubya up at night, unable to sleep, lying awake thinking of all the lives that have been affected by a split decision he had taken when the twin towers were brutally attacked...probably not, because most of the decisions that he made personally benefited him and his friends, and the money that they have earned through this collaborative effort will ensure an enriched life as a result of which they will not have to face the truth or be held guilty for their actions. Life is unfair..deal with it. This was one example...dig through the layers of history and you will find several examples. Life is just that...you won the first race..you got to the egg first...you live life and when you die, another sucker will take your place.

I think Iron Maiden said it best "Only the good die young, all the evil seem to live forever....have a good sin"....

Indulgence of the sensitive kind...

2010-03-22T07:57:00.007+01:00

Recently, I came across a little article on a BBC news wesbite, my immediate reaction was "where are we going this and does a certain section of the society have too much time on their hands to analyse everything that is being said and done". The following is a little excerpt from the article:

"Baa baa, black sheep" is a 17th century nursery rhyme that has been in the limelight of controversy for over a decade. A decade ago, the Birmingham City Council in the UK attempted to ban the rhyme, after claiming that it was racist and potrayed negative stereotypes. The council had to later rescind the ban after black parents thought the ban was inane.

The funny thing about this is that with the right kind of media attention and small fan following of unemployed people, you can create a huge 'brouhaha' about nothing. Here is an example: allow me to pick a hugely popular tv show which had a successful innings for 10 years and the unending repeats are just as popular, a show about six friends, all of whom are...wait for it...white!! How come none of the leading characters were from a minority group, let alone, another color..Friends should be banned because it does not reflect the current culture we live in, it creates an illusion of a while supremist culture...I can go on and on with this...but anything is possible in today's day & age.

Humpty Dumpty is not fair to salad-dodgers! Salad-dodgers, the term, is insulting to fat people, hang on, can I say fat anymore..or is the politically correct term now obese? You cant say black anymore, ok nigger was never a nice term unless a rapper says it, the correct term now is African-American, but if they are black and European..is it African-European? Instead of Native Indian, you have to say Native American, I prefer the term the Original Americans and the rest can be 'The Others' like in the Lost series. Here are some more examples:

midget = vertically challenged
fat = horizontally challenged
perverted = sexually dysfunctional
alive = temporarily metabolically abled
Anyone from Central America, South America, or the Caribbean = Hispanic
body odour = nondiscretionary fragrance
dishonest = ethically disoriented
gay = different
wrong = differently logical
dead = living impaired
pregnant = parasitically oppressed
fired = laid off
poor = financially inept
homeless = residentially flexible
tall = lanky (henry)
garbage-man = scruff
blind = visually challenged

Life just got easier....

I stereotype..its faster...

2010-01-24T19:06:00.003+01:00

The complete line from the movie "Up in the air" was "I am like my mother, I stereotype, its faster". Some of you may accept it, some of you may deny it but a large majority of us do it on a very regular basis, so much so, we do not even label it as "stereotyping". French people are expected to know about wine, cheese & sex; Indian people are expected to know everything about Indian food; Americans are expected to be tolerant and women in particular to be "easy" - thanks to Hollywood...and this exceeds past nationalities..bearded people are immediately looked upon with unease and suspicion; black people to have an affinity to fried chicken...the most natural one of course it to automatically assume that a person of a certain nationality is married to another of the same nationality - it happens more than you think! Last night I was out at a bar with some friends - the bar itself is what I like to call the 'arsehole of bars', stuck in a time machine where the crowd and the song sequences have no urge to change or adapt. As we walked in we saw three girls dancing in the middle of the dancefloor - they "had" to be Russian or Polish and were dancing like their lives depended on it, surrounded by a Polish plumber on his night off, a Turkish guy because he was dancing around the girls..arms spread out..and shaking his chest and snapping his fingers (although this was a pretty accurate stereotype), two black guys who now seemed to be inconspicuously integrated but"would get the best girls and walk out with them before the end of the night", and of course there were no Indian or Pakistani guys there - someone had to keep the corner shops running. By the time we left, we realized that we were quite accurate with our stereotyping barring a few details. Good or bad...its all about perspective, who am I to judge!!

Manufactured crisis...

2010-01-19T09:24:00.001+01:00

Haiti is one of the poorest nations in the Western Hemisphere and has been the victim of natural disasters since 1770. The average life expectancy for a man is 59 years. 54% of the population do not have sustainable access to an improved water source. Only 24% of births are attended by skilled health professionals. But where I am going with all these statistics..I will be honest, I knew very little about Haiti till this massive earthquake hit. On January 13, the earthquake devastated the Haitian capital of Port-au-Prince with an epicentre of the magnitude 7 with up to 90% of buildings destroyed in some places, not to mention human casualties. My point here is that the aid should have reached Haiti years ago, and it takes something as big as this for everyone to sit up and take notice of something that has otherwise been going on for a long time. People were starving before and they are starving now - this time they have to wait less for food supplies. Does God work in mysterious ways...perhaps!!

The Hidden Genes...

2009-07-26T22:46:00.000+02:00

The world has become smaller, flights have become cheaper, far corners of the world have become connected, travel for everyone has become affordable. But there are some things that will never change. Even though a couple of years ago, scientists have uncovered the human gene map - there will have to conduct a similar investigative process to understand what makes your average Indian tick because lets admit it, they are some hidden DNAs there which have equipped us with a slightly altered skill set. Now you may think what has the first sentence got to do with the second sentence, and here is the missing link.

We have all heard of the Chinese whisper phenomenon, whisper a story into the first person's ears and by the time the tenth person repeats this story, it has gained detail, facts and whole lot of masala. I am willing to bet money that even though a Chinese may have started the story, an Indian finished it because we have a natural talent for exaggeration. It comes so naturally that while we are saying it, we can hear voices in our head telling us "actually it was 2 people not 25!!" We are so good, that we know the exact spot where the exaggeration has taken place, because the listener (if an Indian) will also hear a voice in their head saying "actually it was 2 people not 25!!" But guess what, if the listener then became the narrator, the DNA will kick in and make him or her commit the same crime. I have to be honest there are some who will try to fight against it because as they narrate the story, the number will become 20-25 people so then it is left upon the listener to interpret as he or she wishes.

Ok, I know what you are thinking - I have yet again strayed from the first sentence. Right, take an airport, ANY airport, put non-Indians in a queue for the flight check-in counter and the check-in process flows though like clock work. Now remove the non-indians and put a chunk of indian travellers in their place, and what you have is a series of hiccups. Another well-hidden DNA is the art of bargaining - we love to bargain, and it can be for anything. Weight restrictions mentioned on a ticket is just detail, I mean what does 20 kgs mean because you can never pack it to exactly 20 kgs, if it is a bit over, surely it will be ok. 23 is fine, but then so should 25 kgs right?? Oh come on, if 25 kgs is ok, 30 should be no problem at all. If there were a sign on top of check-in counters which written in human blood said "any person or being who will argue with the check-in attendant regarding the weight restriction will be found in violation of airport ethics and will immediately be shot dead at point blank range with a single bullet to the head", the next indian who walks up to the check-in counter will argue "well ok what if you were to shoot me in the arm, would you then allow me to check-in 25 kgs and both arms for 30 kgs?" We cant help it, it just kicks in, we know its going to happen so we dont fight it. Its very common to go to a Indian restaurant, befriend the waiter with some light-hearted banter, get him to pay some extra attention to the table and when the bill comes, look him/her straight in the eye and say "Hahahaha you should give us a discount" as if the likelihood of his life and restaurant hinged on me and my family's eating habits. I have done it, I am not proud of it, it has not always worked but will I stop doing it? Its a rhetorical question...

Last but not least, we are a very opinionated lot, we have an opinion on everything. And the best part is, you will hear it whether you like it or not. Politics, movies, fashion, sports..pick a topic, any topic - we will talk about it with so much confidence as if we had spent several nights reading about it while the rest were busy partying and socialising after work. Any PhD student specialising in these areas in the immediate surroundings would immediately pop a cyanide pill because they wouldnt be able to handle the pressure of this river of knowledge that is streaming towards their earspace with the might of a 1001 galloping horses.

But GOD has been very cruel with Indians and I will tell you why. The qualities (as they are considered in this part of the world) are indirectly proportional to the amount of power or authority you have. If you are at the very (low) end of the food chain, the talent is so abundant that it might just rub off on people sitting next to you faster than you can spread the H1 virus you have been carrying around. As you move up, somehow the brain begins to take over the mouth - even though you are thinking it, and you want to say it, you cannot. A good example is the politics in India, while campaigning you will hear so much BS that if the Oscars had a category for handing out awards for the best BS, it might be easier to stand in a pit full of angry red ants while poking your eyes with a toothpick rather than picking a winner. Once they come to power, they become rather diginified atleast during public appearances although I think once they are within the confines of personal space, they have to start blurting out random facts & figures like torrets syndromes till the violent spasms stop.

Raise your hand if you see any amount of exaggeration in this blog - honestly, it required no effort. My brain uses more energy while trying to deciper whether that peculiar smell that has all the qualities of a well-oiled curry and a dash of sulfur has just wafted in through the open windows, or when I raised myself to adjust the cushions, I involuntarily relaxed some muscles.....

The Grass Aint Greener...

2009-07-24T11:46:00.000+02:00

I have spent most of my life in the part of the world where at the hint of a few rays of sun straying through the clouds on the unsuspecting few below, clothes start peeling off as pale people stream out in their hundreds, pack their families into cars for a 2-hour drive to closest beach side through road-rage traffic. The beach is packed to the brim, every free spot is used to park some part of anatomy, and by evening these people start the trip back home, what now looks like a bunch of red lobsters edging forward.

I come from the part of the world where the sun is taken for granted, people will wait in their houses till the sunshine dies down. If they have to be outside for one reason or the other, they will skip from air-conditioned malls, into air-conditioned cars and then back to their air-conditioned houses. Every effort is made to ensure not even one ray of sun accidentally falls on them.

Enormous amounts of money will be spent on sun tan lotions and warm sunny holidays to ensure a nice even tan, because anything is better than looking pale. Its cool to look brown, in fact, some people have pushed it so far that they start to look the orange, they have surpassed the subtle border between looking cool and looking cooked & ready to eat.

Enormous amounts of money are spent on fairness creams to lighten the colour of the skin, the creams are called Fair & Lovely. Funnily enough they had only this brand and some men found it quite embarrassing to pick this up for themselves, the company picked up on this and came out with Fair & Handsome - how is that for responding to the customer's needs. In Bollywood movies, the hero or the good guy always gets the good looking 'fair' woman, and similarly all the main actors are fair in colour. Ads automatically equate dark-looking women as tired working women whose complexion has been darkened by exposure to everyday hustle & bustle, and of course, these women need help to get rid of their tiredness and also become fairer which also helps restoring their self-confidence.

One issue, two parts of the world, two perspectives....there is only one side to be on, the side of the companies who are making money no matter what the situation is - if you are dark, we can make you whiter, and if you are too white, we can help you with that too!!!

Welcome to India..

2009-07-23T10:47:00.000+02:00

..and I dont mean that in a sarcastic way at all. What really gets my balls in a twist are the Indians who are living abroad, especially the ones from the good old US of A, come to India on a vacation and have a look of awe and amazement when they order a coffee and two samosas at the airport and are charged around 80 Rupees, thats about 1.20 euros to you and me. They will then roll their eyes and mutter something like "Oh welcome to India!!"...just because when their parents left India, a coffee and two samosas was probably 20 euro cents, a wink, a flash of the yellow cavities and a how do you do. Well guess what folks, development comes with a price. I admit I am the first one to moan about the various problems in India, like I suppose, any person would about their own country but I also appreciate the fact that despite a population of over a billion, the British having raped us of the wealth we had once owned - we are coming into our own. They had the might but we have the brains, it is only a matter of time now. Investments have been pouring into India, the job market is fertile, salaries are shooting up, people can afford more and of course, as a result of this, the cost of living will go up. But these Indians who live abroad, there is a difference between them and the Indians back home. The ones abroad are a tight lot, I mean financially, and somehow they tend to be more traditional. While people back home are moving with the times, becoming more broad-minded, changing attitudes, earning more money, chasing the bigger car, the bigger apartment and the skinnier women, the ones abroad are stuck in a time warp. They want to come back home to the same traditional India where the price never changes, attitudes never change so that they can then escape to the 'better life' when they have had their fill of 4 weeks of vacation time. Now when they come back, I bet they feel cheated, because if they had stayed back they could have been doing just as well here but now they are abroad, settled there, their kids dont want to come back, and you cant super-size your meals here to an earlier deathbed.

On the flip side, on my bus while transferring airports was an American kid on a exchange programme from a small town somewhere in the south of Yahoomerica. An elderly uncleji with the best American accent after living abroad for so many years (every now and then the Indian tongue would slip in a googly) engaged this young man in conversation, I overheard him saying that he has never travelled before, his biggest worry was changing airports in New York and that he was in India to live in a small town with a host family and attend school for the next 11 months. I cant remember the sequence of events, but I let out a huge giggle and prayed for the young man..it aint going to be easy. A family sitting in the front of the bus also overheard this conversation, turned around and asked him which family he is staying with and it turns out that they are from the same town and are family friends. They told him how to get there, what to expect, exchanged contact details in case he needed any help because they were heading elsewhere for a short vacation. 1 billion people in India, what are the odds that you are new in a country, sitting in a bus changing airports, heading to a small town most Indians have not heard of, to live for 11 months and then you meet people who will help you out along the way.

Two people, both apprehensive - one will experience new things, find it very difficult but in the end will add a new dimension to his life and perspective, while the other finds it easy but is not willing to let go of what he knows and accept what is real....guess the winner!!

6 interesting facts..

2009-07-22T15:18:00.000+02:00

....that will change your life forever!!!
a. At the nearest point, Russia & America are less than 4 kms apart
b. 5 piranha fish can chew up a horse and its rider in 7 minutes
c. The syllable OUGH can be pronounced in 9 different ways:A rough , dough-faced thoughtful ploughman emerged from a slough to walkthrough the streets of Scarborough, coughing and hiccoughing.
d. A newborn Kangaroo is small enough to fit in a teaspoon
e. Hot water freezes quicker than cold water
f. Half the world's population has seen at least one James Bond movie

FYI: these were written on a plastic bag, shop & learn at the same time...

Understanding the opposite sex..

2009-04-27T00:07:00.002+02:00

In the age of emails, among the forwards, spam, and jokes I receive on a daily basis, something caught my attention as my brain was engaged in the arduous task, an automatic in-built mechanism which starts where gmail anti-spam filter stops, of filtering rubbish from something worth reading. These were pearls of wisdom, the man who put this list together, has managed to document a language which men have been trying to understand for years. So..if you are man, and if you have messed up in the past by just believing what she says, and by believing I mean just taking her 'word' for it, help is at hand. I share this list with you..some I knew and rest I shall make every effort to memorise..

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Good luck...go forth and leave a slightly more peaceful life....

The state of being happy..

2008-10-07T23:38:00.000+02:00

Very often in life, someone will ask you "are you happy?" - I never know what the ideal answer to this question is. Is it possible to be happy all the time without being on excessive amounts of drugs or alcohol? Even when you are in a relationship, you have your good moments, you have your ok moments and then you have your bad moments but its usually a mixture of those that is a necessity in life to keep things from getting mundane.

Going back to the question, it all depends on when you get asked. I decided to find out what the more intellectual crowd had to say about being happy:

"Independence is happiness" - Susan B. Anthony
Its pretty obvious that Susan died alone in an apartment with a cat who kept meowing because the dead woman on the floor wouldnt feed it.

"The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family." - Thomas Jefferson
I think Thomas had very good intentions when he wrote this, but of course the key word was missing from this sentence: "not", i.e. "The happiest moments of my life have not been the few which I...". Its alway sad when a ex-Presidents words are misinterpreted.

"Happiness is a Swedish sunset -- it is there for all, but most of us look the other way and lose it." - Mark Twain
I think Mr Twain has hit the nail on the head with this quote, its so easy to overlook the moments of hapiness we have because it is usually the simple things that make us happy but the simple things never register, because the natural course of human emotions is to constantly yearn for more.

I still dont know the answer to the question, so the next time someone asks me, I will tell them how I feel at that very precise moment, the answer could be very different if they ask me again five minutes later. An apt ending to this blog:

"Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness." - Don Marquis

Blogger's block..

2008-09-09T01:02:00.002+02:00

Its been quite some time since my last blog, I have a book full of excuses that I could use, but the truth is that there has been a serious lack of inspiration along with a deadly dose of laziness. During the week, often while stuck in traffic, topics appear in a flash of brilliance, but a bout of an alcohol-filled friday can reset the thought process back to ground zero. To counter this, I shall carry a notepad in order to record all these topics - the saturday (with a hangover) will mostly likely be reminiscent of a scene from Memento where I re-trace my life in reverse chronological order to try and understand what the words on the notepad mean..what was I thinking..where was I...what does it all mean?!?! Could be fun...

I hear everyone...

2008-06-04T10:10:00.001+02:00

This came from a very interesting discussion I had sometime ago, and I thought to myself "hmm, it’s worth blogging!!" I am gonna borrow the title from my last blog - 'Imagine' to start this off because currently it’s not possible so we will have to imagine a world where it is. Imagine when you are born, you have all the five senses in normal working order, but life has evolved, there is also an additional sixth sense - you can hear what other people think. How different would the world today be? For us to suddenly discover this "gift" (whether it will be a gift or not will depend on the results), would have shocking results but when it has been a part of our lives from the very beginning...would we ever get used to it? Personally, I think, women would find it harder to deal with hearing what other people think of "their ass in that dress" or the "way their hair is done" etc.. I mean, for men, we have hard enough time understanding what women want, when they are literally telling us...this would be the cherry on the cake. Would there be any more fat people, when the scales start tipping the wrong side of 100 kgs, would the comments from the less shapely people "alarm" them in advance? Badly-dressed people or people who have no idea that sometimes the colours even need to be coordinated will have free advice on offer. Ugly people will suffer - so the downside is the suicide rates will go up, could this be the answer to control the population boom in certain parts of the world? Would thinking of committing a murder be enough for the police to arrive at your doorstep to arrest you? Pedophiles, rapists, murderers, thieves, and in most cases, politicians will be screwed!! Like everything else in life, it has its good and bad points. But people are clever too, there will be a few (there always is) who will master this skill to their advantage - the thoughts they transmit will be a contrast to their actions - now that’s a skill!!

Imagine...

2008-04-01T04:14:00.002+02:00

The definition of this word "to conceive in the creative faculty of the mind". Such a powerful word "Imagine", on its own it conjures up an image of endless possibilities, anything your heart desires or anything limited by one's imagination. Its one of my favorite words, because anyone is capable of doing it and they are not bound by man-made boundaries such as religion, creed, or colour. It doesnt cost anything and when this thought is transformed into actions, history to testatment to some tremendous revolutions. When John Lennon wrote the song "Imagine", he used the word alone as the title of his song, because as his lyrics proved, it can be used in infinite ways to define thoughts or feelings.

Whether you are rich or poor, or the newly affluent middle-class, life is pretty similar for everyone at the base level, you are born, curious to touch, taste, smell, talk, understand, you grow, study, work, fall in love, marry, have a family, grow old, and eventually die. Now imagine...that when you die, there is no heaven, there is no light at the end of the tunnel...you are just born again, into another world, or maybe even the same world. Its very similar to when you reinstall a pc, you remove all the old software, format the hard disk, and put in a brand new version of the software and configure it the way you want to, to feel and look slightly different than what you had before. Similarily, when you are born again, you have different features, you could be a different colour, with a slightly more powerful immune system. But of course because your hard disk had been completely erased, for you this is all new all over again, you are once again curious to touch, taste, smell, talk...etc.. The politicians are still corrupt, US still mingling in affairs where its presence is not warranted, the technology is still racing ahead, the population is still growing, and the weather is still becoming more unpredictable. Now imagine...in a theatre close to you, a new movie has just been released. The movie is essentially your life or atleast one interesting aspect of it, real names have been changed, and the higher forces at work are responsible for editing, and creating the emotional moments by adding the right notes of music. Hang on, you say, how can higher forces create something and just release it, wont anyone realize it...well what if it came as a 'bright idea' during a mundane afternoon to a director, someone had to put that idea there!

"You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one..."

Jaysus Ckriiiist!!

2008-01-02T15:12:00.000+01:00

If blasphemy was a religion, the Irish would be the right-wing extremists. While in other parts of the world, the three most common words used in everyday language would be "the", "of" and of course "and". I suspect that re-creating this list in Ireland would result in "the", "of" and close-tie between "Jesus" and "and". But you see, the Irish are clever, they know using the word "Jesus" so casually in everyday conversation would get them into trouble, so they came up with a work-around, which sounded the same, but could technically get them off the hook..."Jaysus".

Unlike the other three words, it can be used in quite a few variations and tones. For example, you wake up one morning and look into the mirror, you can see a proud little pimple potruding from your face..."Jaaaaaaysus!!".

You drive home, get out of your car and your nose picks up a nasty whiff of something, you immediately check your clothes and shoes and you find nothing. Your nose leads you to the tyres on your car, upon which clings the result of a slightly more lightened cow.."Jaysus Ckriiiist!!"

The tv is on, and suddenly there is a news flash, a politician has been assassinated, a normal "Jaysus Ckriiiist" just wont do, and God forbid you would add some expletives to that phrase - because that kind of behaviour is just not ON!! The only way to express you true emotions in this situation is to extend you agression on to the family tree.."Jaysus Ckriiiist Mary and Joseph!!"

And somehow this has become acceptable, and a sign of that is the following: Open up your browser, www.google.com, and type in "define:Jaysus", you will only get one link and guess where that takes you too....divine intervention (??)...Jaysus Ckriiiist!!

THE legend...

2007-12-09T22:28:00.000+01:00

One lazy afternoon while wasting away on my couch, I decided to open my Opera browser, and my fingers danced in the address bar "www.youtube.com". As the cursor blinked in the search field, various keywords were parsed through my brain, waiting for the right combination to suddenly blink brightly for my fingers to execute the command. "Michael Jackson" - and youtube took a while processing this and threw back at me an almost endless list of videos, I clicked on the first one and two hours later, I was enthralled.

It was not like I had re-discovered the artist in him, I know and the whole world knows that this Jackson was and is a genius. Today Michael is a butt of quite a lot of jokes and lets face it, the media actually abuses his popularity to their own benefit. I am in no way defending any of his actions, and they are not my business either because they concern his personal life which cant be used in any way to judge his music. I remember the time when I saw him on stage, in an overpacked Wembley stadium..the countdown began on the big screen, when it reached zero, a huge bang, and there stood Michael on stage. He didnt move for the next 2 minutes, but the crowd went into a frezy, the euphoria was overwhelming..no other artist I know has that kind of effect. The following 3 hours of precisely choreographed performance with a greatest hits lineup of songs..enough for any true blue Jackson fan to blow up in sheer pleasure.

As I flipped through the videos, I came across one which defined his talent, his on stage persona and what can be achieved through sheer dedication. The year was 1983, the concert: Motown 25: Yesterday, Today and Forever...the who's who of Motown was there to watch him perform. And then he did something, a move, among many other, that took a few seconds to execute but would live in the minds of everyone forever, a move that got all the audience there on their feet, clapping, knowing they had just been part of something very special. That night, that move...made him what he is today...great song, great night, great performer...THE legend of pop!!

In case you werent around in 1983 or missed it, here is your chance to witness it again: THE move.

This is one of my favorite songs, because its brings together Michael and ex-Guns 'n Roses lead guitarist, Slash: Give in to Me

“Oh, God! That boy moves in a very exceptional way. That’s the greatest dancer of the century”. - Fred Astaire

“The only male singer who I’ve seen besides myself and who’s better than me - that is Michael Jackson.” - Frank Sinatra

Momentary lapse of guilt...

2007-11-18T22:26:00.000+01:00

You have had it, I have had it, we have all had it. Robert Redford had it and the result was the movie "Lions for Lambs". Can you remember the last time you were watching the news, or a documentary or reading the front page headlines on your preferred newspaper and you came across something that actually triggered an emotional response deep down to question your existence, what life was all about and what was really important in this lifetime and how long did it last? That emotional roller-coaster you felt for maybe a minute or two is what I like to call a "momentary lapse of guilt". What is our immediate response..to change the channel, to switch to the funny section in the newspaper, because we dont like to feel sad, staying ignorant is an acceptable solution, what you dont know cant hurt you and cant make you feel bad. The movie raises an important point, we all remember when we were young, we had so much energy, so many rebellious ideas to change the system, to change the world, but somewhere along the way we get dumbed down or maybe its safer to just accept that we cant change and opt for the easier road...I mean why do something for the world or for your country when you cant even be bothered to know who your neighbour is. As I am coming to the end of this blog, I am already thinking of the cappucino I am going to have, while watching some random videos on youtube before I hit the bed, for my momentary lapse of guilt has passed. Sad but true story!!

Mind your english..

2007-11-07T13:22:00.000+01:00

English is a constantly evolving language, words and phrases are invented on a regular basis and you know its kosher to use it when Oxford officially publishes it in their dictionary, and you hear about it on the BBC evening news. According to Oxford, there are 171,476 words currently in use, and 47,156 obsolete words or unfashionable words, for want of a better phrase. I have a feeling that most of these obsolete words are still used very much today in India and some of them really make wonder..the eternal question..why??? Here are some words & phrases, please, I still doubt anybody reads these blogs, but if you think of any, leave a comment or two even:

ditto
"what say"
"meet my mrs"
duplicate
photostat
thug
Britisher
canvas shoes
comb (hahaha - its brush to you mate!!)
ladies fingers (no, this is a vegetable)

and good ol' wikipedia provided the following:

batchmate or batch-mate -- Not classmate, but a schoolmate of the same grade
cousin-brother -- (male first cousin) & cousin-sister (female first cousin)
Dicky/dickey -- the boot of a car
Double-confirm -- re-confirm or just confirm.
eve teasing -- catcalling - harassment of women
foot overbridge -- bridge meant for pedestrians
godown -- warehouse
Himalayan blunder -- grave mistake
mugging -- studying hard or swetting, and having nothing to do with street crime
opticals -- eyeglasses
pass-out -- graduate from college
to prepone -- to advance, literally the opposite of 'postpone'
ragging -- fagging(UK)/hazing(US).
In tension -- being concerned or nervous
time pass -- something that is good enough for killing time.
would-be -- fiancé/fiancée

and a last, but good one: "Where are you put up?"

Material life..

2007-10-18T18:13:00.000+02:00

"I'm gonna be just like you -- the job, the family, the fucking big television. The washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electrical tin opener. Good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure-wear, luggage, three-piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine-to-five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, index pension, tax exemption, clearing the gutters, getting by, looking ahead till the day you die." - this was the monologue at the end of the movie: Trainspotting.

Makes you think..how revolved our lives are around materialistic things, and its a vicious cycle. You are old enough to move out of your parents home - IKEA has furniture to suit students, you meet a girl, fall in love - movies and restaurants have deals for two, you get married and then of course you need to buy a house, you need stuff to fill up your house, you need to buy a car, you are back at IKEA, you have kids, they grow up - you buy them branded clothes and shoes, we work all our lives, and the more we earn, the more we wanna buy, our buying potential increases, and then of course, as a natural reaction we want things which are slightly out of our reach, so we want a new job, where we can earn more...and somehow, somewhere we forget to appreciate the little things in life, the smaller, simpler things - the innocence of just doing things because you want to is lost..whatever you want to do - there is someone to benefit on the other side, otherwise that is a gap in the market which will be taken care of soon.

Whenever these kinds of discussions take place around a table of "uber-suburbanites", the common reaction would be to throw in a statement like "oh i would love to just leave the city, leave my car, move to an island, and just teach english" amongst nodding heads while everyone is secretly thinking "yeah right, not without my ipod, my flat screen tv, my now super-improved spacious yet made-for-the-city-version hummer etc.." - but no one can really do it, its just an ideal situation which you can admire for exactly 5 seconds, before you pull out your mobile to check for sms messages, the person sitting next to you pulls out a blackberry, you peek over and secretly hope to be able to get one too.

Another common statement is "Yeah I admire those monks, I dont know how they do it!!" Sure monks are far removed from materialistic things, their lives are not constantly invaded by in-your-face media, dictating how they should be or what they should look like, they have a different ideals, are not struggling in a society for an upper-hand in life...but when they get off their meditation mats (which I am sure has a brand embedded in one corner) and make their way for their tea, I am sure that the kettle they are using has a nice blue Philips logo on it!

Do I have a solution for it - no, but can I rant about it - yes, because I still have the freedom to do that, even though Blogger is helping me out by providing me the platform to do so...you cant escape it!!

D'oh..

2007-08-31T04:31:00.000+02:00

..is something you normally associate with Homer Simpson. Yet somehow we have come to like this character who is so blatantly stupid yet deep down very earnest and down to earth, and its probably a combination of these endearing qualities that make this character and the show so appealing.

Then you have Mr. Bush, who is just plain stupid!! No endearing qualities there..a cowboy hat with a Clint Eastwood swagger and a loaded rifle, ready to engage any person with a remote ability to look threatening, while speaking about weapons, terrorists and mass destruction (and i dont refer to physical mass such a man's ass which his deputy managed to fire a bullet at) and squinting the eyes just long enough to look convincing and ensure everyone else, that he does know what he is talking about.

Finally..there is the duke of Edinburgh..he is the tall thin man constantly trailing the Queen of England, you may have seen him, or even heard him...he is also known as the Queen's husband. Contrary to Bush, the duke is clever, educated and of course very English, but every now and then, actually let me correct that, whenever he manages to open his mouth to make a comment about something, he has managed to either upset, offend or ridicule someone, furthermore, he has one more quality, this talent of his is habitual which almost invokes a certain amount of anxiousness and curiousity of what he will say on his next visit to a foreign land.

The following are some of my favorites:

During a state visit to China in 1986, he famously told a group of British students: "If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed".

He also asked a driving instructor in Oban, Scotland: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?"

"If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?" (in 1996, amid calls to ban firearms after the Dunblane shooting)

"It looks as if it was put in by an Indian." (in 1999, referring to an old-fashioned fuse box in a factory near Edinburgh)

"They must be out of their minds." (in 1982, in the Solomon Islands, after being told that the annual population growth was only 5%)

"You are a woman, aren't you?" (in 1984, in Kenya, to a native woman who had presented him with a small gift)

"Oh no, I might catch some ghastly disease." (in 1992 in Australia, when asked to stroke a Koala bear)

"You can't have been here that long - you haven't got a pot belly." (in 1993, to a Briton in Budapest, Hungary)

"Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?" speaking to Susan Edwards, who is blind, wheelchair bound and has a guide dog.

..and the best one..

Edinburgh: And what exotic part of the world do you come from?
Lord Taylor: I'm from Birmingham. (1999)
An exchange with Lord Taylor of Warwick, who is black

Chaos + Indians = Normal

2007-08-28T07:24:00.001+02:00

Type "indians and chaos" into google, and it takes you to this link, which is quite an interesting article and will help you understand, especially if you are non-indian, why we operate the way we do.

I am in Kuala Lumpur at the moment, where Indians are as common as frites and mayonnaise in Brussels. Third-generation Tamilians are everywhere - hotels, taxi drivers, shop owners, random people standing in front of the train station..all speaking in an incomprehensible accent, but they all have somehow managed to maintain the same chaotic driving ability that is engrained deep in every Indian's dna.

For the following scenarios, I will split into a before and after situation...

BEFORE: Day one at this very nice luxurious hotel, I came out of the elevator, only to be greeted by the hotel staff with the widest smile, as if they had got they mouths surgically altered to show those teeth in the back as well. You can hear the sound of light classical music, as you are guided to your table, seated and told where the buffet is etc... Great way to wake up!!

AFTER: [Throw in a Indian business delegation of over 40 people] Once I get into the elevator, it takes ages to reach the floor where breakfast is served, it stops at almost every floor. There is a traditional indian businessman greeting which could range from a groan to hearty laugh accompanied by a choking cough with of course, the traditional hand to groin action. The breakfast hall is in chaos, people are standing around shouting to each other, the smile on the faces of the hotel staff was replaced by a 'i know i should have called in sick this morning" look, there is no particular order here of who should be seated first anymore. They stand right next to the buffet table while eating just in case the walk back to the table burned off more calories then they would have liked. Just then the big boss comes in, who puts on a sympathetic face as if he has just entered an earthquake zone to enquire about the health & "how is working going for you" of his employees, and of course, by now there is a huge crowd around him which has completely blocked off any access to the vegetarian part of the buffet. The music could have been hardcore techno, but no chance of it being heard now!!

BEFORE: The lobby of the hotel operates with precision and style, people are guided into the reception, checked-in immediately, while their luggage is on their way to the room. People checking out, are guided straight to the door, where a taxi awaits for them to be driven to their chosen destination. Meanwhile, the main floor of the lobby is clean and free of any crowds, giving people a chance to admire the artwork hanging on the walls or the designs of the marble on the floor.

AFTER: [A delegation of over 40 Indian businessmen checking out] Suddenly, the noise of burping has become background noise. The lobby is packed, the luggage is strewn all over the floor close to the entrance, which means any people arriving at the door now have to take a small detour to get to the reception. The concierge at his desk has suddenly had to squeeze to a corner of his workspace because the rest of his desk has been taken over by 2 suitcases where the owners have decided to spontaneously re-pack while flashing their VIP underwear as if it was the new fashion alternative to Calvin Klein. The staff at the hotel have managed to clear the path by stacking all the luggage into trolleys, it tooks 3 trolleys..but then of course, the inevitable had to happen. The concierge desk was free, which suddenly meant that some more suitcases could be opened, and of course the suitcase that this person wanted was at the bottom of the stack in the trolley.

Typically Indian, typically chaotic!!

Playing air..

2007-08-08T14:23:00.001+02:00

Just recently when I was watching the BBC News, there was a short piece on the phenomenon of Air Guitar, how this is slowly becoming popluar and finally ended with the event that would be taking place soon in the UK for a World Championship in Air Guitar. Of all the absurd things I have heard, this would be pretty high up there. Who invented this, I mean lets face it, it wasnt anyone born with only one arm. This is one event or sport, however you would like to refer to it, which would not appeal to the physically challenged. If you are born blind, deaf or with one arm or leg less, I assume you would not be able to qualify.

This does get more wierd, the following are the Air Guitar Rules:

- The instrument must be invisible - ie, air
- An air guitarist may play an electric guitar or an acoustic one - or both
- Personal air roadies are allowed, but backing groups (real or air) are not
- The winner must carry the joyful tidings of the air guitar forward - thus promoting world peace

The instrument must be invisible, but it must be either an electric guitar or acoustic, so for all guys out there who were thinking they were going to take their Yamaha keyboard on stage with a pre-programmed tune...Forgetaboueet!! And just when you thought this is some absurd idea, by people who could never afford guitars or attend concerts, there is a whole ideology behind this:

- All wars would end and every bad thing would disappear if all the people in the world played air guitar
- A person playing air guitar cannot simultaneously be up to any mischief
- After playing air guitar, mischief just does not seem like such a good idea anymore

They EVEN have international rules:

- Participation is free.
- Regionals take up to 12 participants. If there are more, additional qualification events take place.
- Federal finals are held in July between the winners of regionals.
- Winner of federal finals is qualified for World Championship in September.
- Participants are allowed to team up to 2, only in regionals. Federal finals are still solo only.
- Order of appearance in a second round is determined by the scores in the first round (highest score air guitarist plays first).
- Jury consists of 5 people. Each of 2 rounds is scored by a single mark from 4.0 to 6.0. Lowest and highest mark get discarded, so only 3 marks are added, thus yielding possible results from 24.0 to 36.0.

I think we should take inspiration from this and invent something like Air F1, where there are no cars, no major sponsors, no accidents or lives at stake...people dressed in funny clothes, running around the track, making the noises..I wonder how Ferrari would win it then, they would probably put a chip in the guys ass, and send powerful electric signals for him to either speed up or slow down..I would love to see Schumacher's ass catch fire!!

Suppression...

2007-07-15T11:26:00.000+02:00

At an informal gathering at a friends place, the conversation veered once again to the inevitable topic of Indians and how we have been fucked over by God and people since time can remember. When I was in college in London, which had a good ethnic mix, there was still a predominant black community and I noticed then that how well black young boys and men were built..I mean I never saw a black guy walk into a healthy salad bar, avoid the calorie-filled sauces and munch on tomatoes and green salad...they love chicken, all forms, particularily fried, but most of all, they have the distinct advantage of eating all forms of junk food that the world has to offer. I remarked "Its amazing that these guys can eat practically anything, and still have a fantastic physique, I mean abs for them are just like having arms and legs..how come they have it in their genes", to this my friend instantly replied "thats because they have had a rough time in history, they have been occupied and suppressed.."...but hang on....havent Indians been supressed too?? The British ruled India for over 200 years and we can hardly call that period smooth sailing, we were supressed, beaten, abused..and what do we have to show for it...lets see...short, thin people, with loads of hair, who are pretty good with figures and anything that contains the word 'business' in it..and as we grow old, we forget all the rules of fashion we have learnt over the years, grow bellies - result of the constant barrage of oily curries and that hair...oh that hair starts growing out of places which normally dont even need any hair!! I blame God solely for this, I mean what was he/she thinking...I couldnt put it any better than my fellow compatriot from Canada (not his fault!!) Russell Peters, this is God talking while he was creating Earth, "Eh Buddha, put down the drink and come here...ok look, i am going to take these people here, and put them in the hottest place in the world, and just for funnnnnnnnnnn, i will cover them with hair!!!"

Rocking Werchter...

2007-06-30T15:31:00.001+02:00

I was a Werchter virgin when I landed yesterday at the Werchter grounds for a day of concerts, beer and constant change of weather. The weather alternated between cold, rainy, dry, and sunny but it didnt dampen anyone's spirits, people had come dressed and prepared for every eventuality and all for one reason..good music!! The lineup was very good, but I decided to stick to Lily Allen, Queens of the Stone Age, Arctic Monkeys and then finally, the cherry on the cake, Pearl Jam. The highlight of the day came around 12:15 am, after 6 hours of standing, queuing, running, walking and crouching. The clouds had rained and moved on, there was a slight breeze, the only lights were the ones flashing back from the stage and then it happened, a total blackout on the stage.

In the darkness, a guitar screached, two notes later, the crowd of 80,000 bounced in unison, the lights came on again, Eddie grabbed the mike "Son, she said, have I got a little story for you.."...and in between flashes of Eddie singing, the big screen showed glimpses of the crowd...the feeling of being between 80,000 people, all shaking their heads singing Alive, and true to the word, this crowd had come alive after a long long day....it was for me what rock concerts are about. On the way out of the concert, I saw a grafitti sprawled on one of the shop shutters "I wuz here..", I was here too when Pearl Jam rocked Werchter...

Indian???

2007-06-21T17:45:00.000+02:00

I was hurrying down the street to the restaurant just in time for the birthday party. Just then I spotted him, walking down the street, hands behind his head, singing some old hindi song out loud, while his pants clung desperately to his waist. "Indian??" he shouted, and I was confused, was he talking to me, or was this a random lyric in the song..and then he turned his gaze towards me and flashed me the yellow curry-stained teeth like they were his biggest accomplishment in life so far. He was, I am guessing here, probably early 30s but the lack of hair and the stomach which was on a trip of its own to try and reach another frontier, made him look much older. His dark brown skin meant two things, or three, Bangladeshi, Pakistani or Indian, but because he had no accent while singing the song, I can rule Bangladeshi out. I nodded "Yes"..and then came a barrage of questions, we will call him "It" for now..the conversation took place in Hindi:

It: Which part of India (he must have been tone deaf, because I swear I saw a couple about 500 meters down the straight road turn around)
Me: South

It: No, you have a bracelet on your hand, you are Punjabi
Me: Nope, South

It: Which part of South India
Me: Kerala

It: Angada mada nagalakan matara nangalakam
Me: (At this point, I dont know if his mouth due to lack of instructions from the brain decided to babble on)...Huh?

It: Angada mada nagalakan matara nangalakam...thats what they speak there
Me: Nope thats not, they speak Malayalam

It: Yeah it is, I lived there for a couple of months, was working there..
Me: Hahaha..ok, but thats not the language

It: How long have you lived here?
Me: Over 6 years (Why am I answering this guy's questions..why?)

It: Legal?
Me: Yup, I decided to be different and enter the country legally from the very beginning
It: Aaah, yeah you must be one of those IT field guys...

It: Anything I can do for you (the literal hindi translation is: can i be of your service)
Me: No thanks..

It: Going to the party huh?? OK...he walked away singing the song he was singing earlier...

I have lived in quite a few places around the world, and met quite a few people, but I can fairly say that only Indians have this rare ability to pick a conversation with a complete stranger, without even worrying about the small intricacies as privacy, personal space or just plain old social skills. As I walked towards the restaurant, I was laughing out loud wondering how that 3-minute episode seemed so natural and normal even though I had to divulge personal information using a limited response, which would have normally have indicated to the other person that I was in no mood to carry a conversation, and as a result the interaction would have ended early on. Here, he was invading my space, taking up my time, asking me personal questions and then decided to walk away when he was done...be damned all those trainings I have had to manage people...he was in control!

Israeli envoy comprimised...

2007-06-07T13:27:00.000+02:00

A couple of months ago, I had read the following article: Tied here, which I assume you may have come across as well. I have to be honest, I had a good laugh when I read this article. I mean, imagine yourself in his shoes, you have just been appointed to what is possibly the most powerful, usually hand-picked, appointment to represent your country in the most powerful nation on earth, where your position is constatly under the spotlight. Its a classic mistake, Clinton did it, but atleast in his case, the only evidence was a white spot on Monica's dress, which could have been 'that tough creamy sauce that came with the chicken' till the DNA tests proved otherwise, but..BUT he wasnt caught in the act, there were no eye-witnesses, I mean, at one point even Monica must have had her eyes closed.

Mr. Raphael was very unfortunate, he could have come out of this easy. When the police came and removed the gag from his mouth, his first reaction should have "Eergh..oh thank you, oh I have such a headache, how did I get here..and what is all this latex doing on me..??" but the arrogance that comes with this position made him respond with "I am the ambassador of Israel"?!?!? OK..so he was caught in a comprimising position, who cares as long as the gag was kosher.

Imagine the police walking into the property and discovering Mr. Raphael, and in the corner of the garden behind the bushes, there is a movement, a slight ruffle of the branches and leaves. Behind the bushes are two Palestinians trying to cover up the laughter and the accompanying involuntary spasms as best as possible, saying to one another "Damn we forgot the lip'shtick'"..

Do you yell "Taxi!!"??

2007-05-30T13:23:00.000+02:00

This weekend I saw a movie which had a very absurd scene, the lead actor was diving all over the street yelling "Taxi" while trying to have a conversation with the actress. This got me thinking..imagine that you are a taxi driver, and have been driving a taxi since early morning, obviously the state of your cab will depend on which part of the world you come from - the level of your agression is inversely proportional to the state of your taxi. You have been in rush hour, battling the constant barrage of traffic, slow drivers, old people, traffic lights, loo breaks, hunger pangs etc, and in between all this, you are also supposed to listen out for some balding middle-aged man who comes with his own aura of traumatic disorders shout "Taxi", giving you enough time to not only notice him, but maneuver your way through the traffic to find a suitable spot where you can pullover and pick up his sorry ass. So the next time you are out, and need a taxi, do the most sensible thing, face the oncoming traffic, and when you see a taxi, put your hand out..but not when he is just about to pass you and you are at risk of pushing your hand through his windshield, causing him to stop and next think you know you have a pile-up during peak hour and no one really knows how it happened!!

Who am I...

2007-05-12T12:26:00.000+02:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

The poopster revisited..

2007-04-30T12:59:00.000+02:00

In every man's life, and some womens as well, there comes a time when you attempt to challenge your digestion system with the spiciest option on the menu. I suspect the night before Johnny Cash wrote this song, he was in a Mexican restaurant and while ordering the enchiladas, in a moment of excitement, said "and make it extra spicy!!". What followed must have been a night of volcanic activity which could have been the only explanation of why he decided to write the following song the next morning: Ring of Fire. Dont believe me..check out the lyrics:

[He uses the word 'love' here to denote his love of food, anything else would have been too blatant and immediately banned...clever Cash!!]

Love is a burning thing
and it makes a firery ring
bound by wild desire
I fell in to a ring of fire...

I fell in to a burning ring of fire
I went down,down,down
and the flames went higher.
And it burns,burns,burns
the ring of fire
the ring of fire.

The taste of love is sweet
when hearts like our's meet
I fell for you like a child
oh, but the fire went wild..

I fell in to a burning ring of fire.....[etc]

THE song...

2007-04-29T18:05:00.000+02:00

Lets assume for a second that Al Gore's documentary is not some propoganda where he actually pretends to care about the environment while choosing to share facts about his life, family and childhood, that the threat of global warming is as drastic as those graphs depict them to be, lets also assume that we dont do anything about it, or we try, but its all a case of a little too late..and we come close to something American movies have been choreographing with intricate detail on the big screen..the end of human kind, and this time, Will Smith can do fuck all about it!! Looking back at the evolution of man and the advances we have made, I think our biggest contribution and achievement would be music. Why..because its timeless, its unbiased, and its transcends cultures, traditions, borders, planets..and its out there, its upto you to decide what you want and most importantly, it makes you feel good. If you are sad, you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, you think no one understands you, you put on a song, and suddenly the artist on the other side, can relate to you, you can relate to him/her, you connect through this invisible bond and you say to yourself, ok i am not the only one, there is two of us now.

If you have been in a relationship, every couple has an 'our' song, it can be a song when they first danced together, or when they got engaged or when she dumped her boyfriend and ran into your arms, now THAT would be a song!! But do you have a 'your' song, a song that you can relate to, or one that you can listen to anytime/any place, you may or may not have a reason for liking it...its just 'your' song. I have one, I recently found it in my stack of cds. It came out when I was still in the first year of my degree, it stayed with me for the next 6 years and I found it two weeks ago..and have been listening to it since then. I liked it so much, I have got one cd with 7 different mixes of the same song, and I can listen to it endlessly..dont know why, its not THE greatest song, the lyrics are ok, the tune is sound but when it comes together, for me, it works!

If you are reading this, think about it, and leave a little note with 'your' song...and for now: listen to mine

Real imitates reel..

2007-04-25T13:12:00.000+02:00

Possibly the best script written, and the best dialogue from it..
The character played by Matt Damon, is a genius and he has just been offered a job at NSA (National Security Agency), the interviewer asks him, "Why wouldnt you want to work for the NSA?"

The answer:

Say I'm working at N.S.A. Somebody
puts a code on my desk, something nobody
else can break. So I take a shot at
it and maybe I break it. And I'm real
happy with myself, 'cause I did my job
well. But maybe that code was the
location of some rebel army in North
Africa or the Middle East. Once they
have that location, they bomb the
village where the rebels were hiding
and fifteen hundred people I never had
a problem with get killed.

Now the politicians are sayin' "send
in the Marines to secure the area"
'cause they don't give a shit. It
won't be their kid over there, gettin'
shot. Just like it wasn't them when
their number got called, 'cause they
were pullin' a tour in the National
Guard. It'll be some guy from Southie
takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he
comes home to find that the plant he
used to work at got exported to the
country he just got back from.
And the guy who put the shrapnel in
his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll
work for fifteen cents a day and no
bathroom breaks.

Meanwhile my buddy from Southie realizes
the only reason he was over there was
so we could install a government that
would sell us oil at a good price.
And of course the oil companies used
the skirmish to scare up oil prices so
they could turn a quick buck. A cute,
little ancillary benefit for them but
it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty
a gallon. And naturally they're takin'
their sweet time bringin' the oil back
and maybe even took the liberty of
hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes
to drink seven and sevens and play
slalom with the icebergs and it ain't
too long 'til he hits one, spills the
oil, and kills all the sea-life in the
North Atlantic. So my buddy's out of
work and he can't afford to drive so
he's got to walk to the job interviews
which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his
ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids.
And meanwhile he's starvin' 'cause every
time he tries to get a bite to eat the
only blue-plate special they're servin'
is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State.

So what'd I think? I'm holdin' out
for somethin' better. I figure I'll
eliminate the middle man. Why not
just shoot my buddy, take his job and
give it to his sworn enemy, hike up
gas prices, bomb a village, club a
baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join
the National Guard? Christ, I could
be elected President.

Does it get better than this?

2007-04-22T22:22:00.000+02:00

We had two bags of grass...
75 pellets of mescaline...
five sheets of high-powered blotter acid...
a salt shaker half-full of cocaine...
a whole galaxy of multicolored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers.

Also a quart of tequila,
a quart of rum, a case of beer...
a pint of raw ether...

Two dozen amyls.

Not that we needed all that
for the trip...

But once you get locked into
a serious drug collection...

The tendency is to push it
as far as you can.

Monsieur Depp, do the honours!!

The Indian Poopster...

2007-03-27T17:47:00.000+02:00

While out shopping in Chennai during another hot sultry afternoon, a signal was sent to my brain from somewhere below my stomach that due to an excess of fluids collected, a suitable spot needs to be found for the body to empty the contents. I responded faithfully to this signal as always and enquired with the old barely alive security guard in front of the shop, and he directed me towards the back of the store. As I approached the back of the store, I saw two signs: "Urinal" and "Latrine". The names got me thinking, while the rest of the world was trying to conceive words that would convey the same meaning in the most subtle fashion, people in India said "fuck it, lets call a spade a spade!!" Now for people in the part of the world where you are used to more diplomatic ways of addressing the issues of body waste, here are the defintions:

Urinal: A plumbing fixture which receives only liquid body waste and conveys the waste through a trap seal into a gravity drainage system.

Latrine: A toilet, often for the use of a large number of people. [In a nation of 1 billion, they are not kidding when they say a lot!!]

Now the latrine brings me to another subject which I would often think about during my long over-crowded hot train journeys from the city to my house. Which brilliant architect should be credited with designing the latrine in India?? The people in the western world said "Lets design a toilet, which first of all is aesthetically pleasing, is comfortable to use i.e. that you can sit down so that both your hands and legs are free, and contains water to try and reduce the stench as much as possible"..and they came up with the modern toilet.

At the same time, in India new-age thinkers were dealing with the same problem, after all Indian people have the same waste management problem as their white counterparts, if not more, thanks to oily and spicy curries with enough dairy products on the market to keep cows pumping milk 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The result of course was the Indian toilet, also referred to as the squat toilet. The end result was a situation where you need quite a lot of concentration as well as physical ability to use this contraption. You had to balance yourself on two legs while your hands should be pointed foward to maintain the balance..you will end up in your shit if:
a. one of your legs falls asleep
b. you are missing a leg (i.e. physically challenged)
c. you are missing both legs (severe disability)
d. you are drunk
e. you have decided to use the facilities half-asleep in the middle of the night
f. you have diarrhea

For those who dont know what one of these toilets look like: Shit here

Wikipedia has some criticisms regarding the Indian latrine too:
- Difficulty of use for the physically handicapped or inebriated.
- Potential for splattering of urine on the feet.
- Potential for leg cramps, or discomfort for users having osteoarthritis.
- Potential for the development of foul odors as a result of incomplete flushing.
- The pantyhose has to be lowered while using a squat toilet.
- Many countries where squat toilets are the norm are hot, so most people wear flip-flops, and the user's feet often become wet from the puddles of water around the toilet.

So the next time you sit on your toilet and complain about how the modern toilet could have been designed better, spare a thought for the people on the other side of the world for whom taking a poop is a daily exercise in physical and mental ability.

Stag party..

2007-02-27T16:14:00.000+01:00

As the days of my life as a bachelor come to a close, to celebrate, or look for any excuse to drink, the boys at work had organised a stag party for me. Needless to say, it was well worth the effort, the alcohol kept flowing, memories strained hard to keep up the battle with alcohol, eventually, giving up - in my case around 1 am. When I got back home at 7 am, I realised that I was missing about 6 hours of my life - I have to rely on the stories that my friends are only too happy to share with me..

As I pondered hard the following day trying to piece together the 'lost' 6 hours on earth, if aliens had abducted and performed an anal-probe on me, I would have been none the wiser. I eventually gave up, and decided to concentrate on things I could find answers to...such as, how did the phrase 'stag party' actually come about? I called on my faithful companion, Google, to spew out the answers and I realised there is a whole industry aimed at the concept of stag nights and hen nights. This website offers various ideas and locations to have your weekend parites, and if you scroll a bit further down...the most popular weekend is a "Brighton Fishing Trip"?!?!?! I am guessing these are bachelors trying their luck for the third time and during this time have aged to atleast 50 years or older...still a frightening statistic!! Wikipedia has a short summary on the concept of bachelor party, with examples of how it is celebrated in various countries, the entry for Malta made me laugh:
"In Malta, the bachelor's male friends frequently take the bachelor out and get him drunk, then treat him to a night of jovial abuse. For example, it is common for the bachelor to end up naked and tied to things, such as monuments in roundabouts or the front door of his future mother-in-law."

Of course every stag party has stories and memories attached to it, here are two google bhai found for me..enjoy...

Amused onlookers got an unforgettable image to go with their breakfast in an Amsterdam cafe when a Welsh stag night reveller came in and ordered two breakfasts. Nothing amusing about that, you might think - but the man was dressed in a Snow White outfit and the other breakfast was for his companion, a male dwarf! Clearly the worse for wear from the night before, both diners sat eating in silence, oblivious to the smiles and titters of those around them. Cafe owner Martin Vaandelis joked: "I had 6 other breakfasts warmed up just in case, but the rest of the guys never showed.."

‘Some boys from the Regiment went out on a stag night and arranged for a stripper to turn up. When she arrived she was dressed in tight black leather (WOW!) and carried a whip. She then gave the groom a whipping – among other things – and I think she over did it. The marks on his bum were still clearly visible on his wedding night.’

Buenos Noches Madrid...

2007-02-19T00:54:00.000+01:00

With fear I check in to my Iberia flight to Madrid, why fear, because everyone I know who has flown with Iberia, have managed to have their luggage lost and returned a day or two days before the end of their holiday. I board the flight only to find out I have got the worst seats on the flight, they are the first row of seats behind business class, where the curtains are closed just before the food is served as to avoid envious stares which might cause them to choke on the extra two pieces of brown bread served with their cordon bleu steak. The seats are right next to the emergency exists...on each side of the plane, next to the exits, there are two seats each. To my right is another seat, for the air hostess to sit in but facing the opposite direction. The seat to my left is empty, as I look at the all the passangers filtering past, I am secretly hoping that its a tall blonde woman, who is amazingly friendly and is in one of the best moods of her life to engage in a conversation with a complete stranger...which by means is no tall order. One woman suddenly looks at me and says "Hi", I respond with a "Hi" too....she was a woman..and thats where it stops, I mean I cant complain, God answered my prayers but in typical 'Godly' fashion..she grants 1/4th of the wish..(I presume God is a she, because only a woman can have such a cruel sense of humour, if God was a guy, he would look out for his boys and every cheesy pickup line ever invented would work before you reached into your pockets to pay for her first drink). She is probably in her 40s, with the most annoying English accent, glasses balanced so low on the bridge of her nose, that my fingers constantly twitched during the duration of the flight to push them back. Little did I know then, that this 2.5 hour flight to Madrid, was gonna be the longest flight of my life.

Her first questions were "How do you feel about flying" and "And how about turbulence"...which is of course what every guy hoping for a tall blonde woman to sit next to him wants to hear. She then proceeded to tell me that she is not really comfortable with flying and that she may hold my hand if she felt that the plane was suddenly bounced around by air pockets or spiralling downwards..which is always comforting to hear. At this point, the air hostess proceeds to strap herself in to her seat. Now are all familiar with flying, we are given a seat belt which goes across our waist and its supposed to protect us..the air hostess, who not only has got a seat belt, but has two additional belts that come downards from each of her shoulders and click into the seat belt buckle. I am sitting right next to her and one seat away from the door and I have just one seat belt...I guess if something happened, they just wanna make sure that she shows up to work the next day, as for me - well my ticket is already paid for.

As God bounced around the clouds into our plane by flicking her fingers, this woman got slightly more paranoid and continued to tell me about all the trips that she has ever made, and down to such detail that would have made a religious travel book collecter orgasm. Halfway through the flight, an additional factor was introduced into this gruelling trip, my fight with sleep. Trying to be polite, I continued to face her while she spoke, my eyes half shut, my mind began to imagine half a dozen ways James Bond would have extracted himself from this plane and realisticly analysing the feasibility of each escape. Just when I thought it couldnt get worse, told you God is a woman...well it did! She ran out of topics, the turbulence got worse, sleep had given up on me and I was wide awake, and now she worse this painful expression on her face while constantly saying "Please, please talk to me, ask me anything..just keep me talking..(and then her face turned reddish at my lack of any effort)..Just ask me any question..COME ON!!!" The excitement for Madrid I had since morning died at this stage, as I formulated questions...and you have to remember at this point...I knew everything about her life already....I was wishing for the lights to go out for one second (as they do just when you are about to take off), so I could do a disappearing act from my seat..a few questions later, the flight to Madrid had ended..nope we didnt die, we landed. This woman then said a brief bye..which quite frankly I was very offended about, after the valiant effort I had made.

Iberia still get -10 points from me, they didnt lose my luggage, but it was the most painful head-wrecking excruciating 2.5 hours I have ever spent in a plane..and on top of that they expected me to pay for the food they were serving, as if plane food was ever edible in the first place. As I write on this my Scandinavian airlines flight to Oslo, the overhead speakers ripple to life...the captain informes us that we will be suffering turbulence ahead and our flight will be delayed by 25 mins. God has a cruel sense of humour....

Dude...where is my bottle of coke???

2007-02-15T11:25:00.000+01:00

I have been compared to many things in my life and called quite a few names..but this one will stand out in my mind for a long time to come. I had my assessement at work a few weeks ago, an exercise I like to call 'an yearly process of wasting even more trees by punishing your imagination to conjure up creative and lavish phrases to describe an otherwise mundane and pointless existence in a company'.. ANYWAY, my manager, who is Italian and undoubtedly the most passionate woman I have met in her dedication and commitment to her job and by far the best manager I have had in my career, was giving me my year-end appraisal and as we came towards the end of this process, she began to point out two things I could improve on. She felt that she never knew what I was thinking, what was going on in my head..and here come the analogy (brilliantly conceptualised and absolutely hilarious)...

My manager compared both her direct reports to coke machines, she referred to my colleague and said, now him, I can put in a coin and there is some noise and either of the two things can happen....the machine(he) throws(retaliates) the coin back in my face (i.e. he refuses the work and disagrees with her proposal) or the machine gives her the coke bottle (takes on the work or agrees with her perspective). I, on the other hand, at this point I was trying to figure out what kind of a machine I would be, am one of those machines, where you put the money in, you hear some noise...but you dont know if you are gonna get the money back or you are gonna get a coke bottle..so you just stand there and wonder what is going on.... What she was trying to point out here is that I never complain about the workload or give feedback on the work I am doing..I am more of a put-your-head-down-and-get-on-with-it kinda guy...but I understood where she was coming from..

Now...I am just waiting for someone to put a coin in...guaranteed you will get your coke bottle (because I always deliver)...but there is gonna be some serious rattling and rolling going on as the bottle makes it way....if you want to be a leader, you have to stand up, take the lead and make a lot of noise about it, and of course deliver....I just dont wanna be any coke machine, I wanna be the shiniest, loudest and the quickest machine on the street....

The IKEA test...

2007-02-06T23:58:00.000+01:00

Ok so you are at a bar, your gaze meets the eyes of a beautiful girl, you grab all the confidence that only alcohol can give you and make the move. Lets also assume that this is that lucky day when the girl actually reacts positively and what follows is an engaging conversation...and you are both thinking..wow this is going great. You exchange phone numbers, you meet up the next time, yup..the vibe is still there..this time it becomes an extended date which only ends with breakfast the next morning. You are thinking to yourself...this is just going too well, could this be THE girl..and this is when you should do the test. Drive down your new love to the closest Ikea store and walk through her shopping list with her. Let me put this as bluntly as possible: IKEA can break most relationships down, in fact think about it, if there were more single people, there would be a significant increase in their profits. As your girl/wife/fiancee/partner decides between an Extorp and Extorp Muren, by the way the latter is 10 euros more and bigger in size..most men would say well go for the big one..its only 10 euros more..but women dont think like men..and here is where ingredients for a solid relationship such as patience, understanding, listening skills and compromise come into play. If you both come out of there still talking, and laughing about how the last four hours that you have spent in Ikea flew by...you have got a good thing going!! If you both come out of there after several arguments, and you are secretly going to go out of your way to ensure that everything she picked up wont even fit in the car...buy both of yourself a hot dog each and call it day. I mean..why not..the hot dogs are pretty cheap!! ;-)

1 Message Recieved...

2007-01-27T22:44:00.000+01:00

I remember my first ever mobile phone, it was a Motorola phone and with a "longer life battery" it doubled up as a self-defense weapon as well. My next phone was the smallest phone to hit the market, a black sleek Ericsson phone and what made it especially user-friendly was the way the keys were placed in order to make it easy to send a text message. The service providers in those days made a huge mistake, they never imagined how popular text messaging was going to become, as it became more popular the companies decided to take away the charge of receiving messages in order to promote the service, and it just took off...so where am I going with this...well...

Have you ever stopped for a moment and thought how this small functionality of being able to send a quick and short message to someone has become an integral part of our lives..?? So lets say you are organising a night out, very often it will involve multiple text messages to various people, detailing the place, time and plan of action for the night...eventually you meet up, you have your first drink, the conversation is flowing, one more drink..its all good..and then it happens...everyone flicks out there phone and starts messaging...so what you have, are a group of people around a table, each messaging few more people to start an almost virtual conversation.. Its as if even though you are out with people you want to be out with, you still want to know what the others are upto, as if you couldnt wait till the next day to find out..

You are an sms addict if:
a. For men: You check your phone from time to time, even though you are wearing the tightest jeans, the phone has the vibration and ringer both switched on, its tucked in your front pocket and the resulting bulge is putting off every woman you are trying to chat up...
For women: You check your phone from time to time..

b. Unisex: When one of your friends receives a text message, you check your phone too silently wondering why none of your friends havent even bothered to find out what you are upto..so what do you do..you initiate, by sending out a text and hope your phone lying in a bundle of phones in the center of the table will suddenly beep loud enough to interrupt a conversation and then you can proudly pick up your phone boosting your popularity ratings..

c. For men: The night out is not going too well, the alochol is flowing but your chat up tactics have not yielded the desired results, so you do the next best thing...go through your old text messages from your lady friends and in your alcohol-induced state re-analyze every word in that message to some kind of positive come-on statement to somehow salvage yet another disappointing night out...

In true style, I have just received a text message..hmm wonder who it could be..my fingers are twitching to find out already..

Life is a party...

2006-12-22T14:29:00.001+01:00

...so bounce to your own groove ;-)

A sign of things to come..?

2006-12-07T16:40:00.000+01:00

Pretty Women....

2006-11-21T11:50:00.000+01:00

I have never been awed by the actresses in Bollywood, maybe, because their only claim to fame is their looks, thanks to of course, loads of loreal products because they want to make them seem worthed!! The only actress who I have found fascinating in terms of looks, personality and acting prowess, in addition to something very mysteriously captivating in her dignified presence whether on or off-screen is Tabu. Now..add one more name to that list (making it a total of two): Kangana Ranaut...Wow...

Last call for Brussels....

2006-11-19T20:22:00.000+01:00

My three weeks of vacation in Chennai are over, and now begins the endless wait to board the packed flight to Europe. As I sit here, and watch all the people around, I notice especially the non-Indians, and how it is so evident the effect India has had on them. They have discovered during their stay here that burping and letting their stomachs hang out (no more sucking in, or 'excuse me' or 'thank you') is OK, India really lets you be yourself - if the British had left anything behind it was the architecture and syphilis, certainly not any manners for everyday life.

There is one particular man, from his accent where words are pronounced slowly with the exaggerations in the wrong places, its blatant that he is an American, he is walking around barefoot, with a huge shawl (google it, if you dont know what it is), discussing with another woman about how his inner mind has opened up, how his senses have risen to another level - I find all this very amusing. I would like to know what exactly he has come across here that has had such an overwhelming effect on him..I mean was it the poverty (which he could come across in the Bronx as well, or any of the Southern states predominantly populated by Blacks), was it the chaos (go to New York), or was it the weed from the foot of the Himalayas (its supposed to be the best, but is there anywhere else in the world you dont get weed nowadays), was it the food (every city has its share of Indian restaurants), or was it the little boys on the beaches of Goa...ok ok I wont go there!!!

The point I am trying to make here is that just because you have made a visit is no reason to grow a beard, start walking barefoot or begin to foster an admiration for flip-flops, call yourself Guru Chodu and start preaching about life and love as if you had achieved enlightment within the few weeks that you were here. What is important though, is to take back with you memories of how in this huge chaos that is India, happiness is measured in different degrees, and how no one ever complains but accepts things as how they are and tries to make the best out of the situation. Stop press: It is 1:30 am, there is an fuzzy annoucement only certain species of birds and dogs can understand, the flight has been delayed, and they have no idea when the plane will be ready. So I kick off my shoes, and relax in my chair, because I know I am gonna get on the flight (dont know when but..), all I can do is wait - thats the Indian in me!!

Mind the Indian...

2006-11-03T19:11:00.000+01:00

10 Things 8/10 Indians will do in any airport or flight:

1. When the steward annouces, "the flight is now boarding, would all passengers with kids and old people come through to the gate": What you get is a rush of all Indians for that flight, the ones with the kids and old people have been left behind!!

2. This one is a personal favorite of mine - they will come to the gate, and enquire when the boarding time is and when the flight is scheduled to leave. They will then go duty-free shopping, and come back 5 minutes before the flight was SUPPOSED to take-off!!

3. Indians in general dont believe in personal space, so when you do stand in a queue, chances are the person behind you is so close that they are almost nudging you forward.

4. If on the way to the plane, they feel the need to re-pack their bag or take out something, they will right in the middle of the path, its your fault if you dont see them and walk in to them.

5. While boarding the plane, they will randomly stop at a seat to ask in which direction their seat is, you of course point the right direction, they start walking again, without acknowledging whether they have heard you and stop at the next random seat with the same question.

6. They will first find a place to put their luggage and then look for their seat, and this could also be tied in with no. 4, they might re-pack to make sure their bag fits in, while the holding the extra pieces in a plastic bag on their lap..after all, its only a 9 hour flight.

7. As soon as they sit in the plane, they ring for the airhostess, to ask for a glass of water.

8. Atleast one (male species) of the 8 Indians will have a spraying accident in the loo, you gotta see it to believe it!!

9. Two out of those 8 Indians will board the plane wearing headphones, obviously connected to some kind of music player, will have it on for the duration of the flight and will still be wearing it once they have left the plane, leaving you wondering what kind of battery life their player is surviving on.

10. All signs above every seat are only there for decoration purposes, to give some colour to the inside of the plane, Only that can explain how just after the plane has touched the ground, everybody will get up off their seats and start removing their luggage.

Madras Curry...

2006-11-03T19:05:00.000+01:00

I boarded the flight preparing myself for what lay ahead, almost 9 hours of flight time, crying babies, uncomfortable seats and a plane full of people. The flight from Frankfurt mostly comprised of South Indians peppered with a few white faces either travelling for business or to find their inner self. The flight was actually quite animated, the couple sitting couple of seats in front of me, a German couple with two kids, the wife was looking after one while the father was responsible for the other. The husband had the loud constantly crying kid, at one point his patience just broke...which happened quite often during the flight, he began squeezing and throwing the kid around hoping that would shut up him. What ensued was a public war of words between him and his wife, at which point he said "Zis kid is completely out of kontrol, I sink I should smack him!!" - and I was watching all this while gulping down my meal. So all in all the flight was quite entertaining, either there was a movie on or a German reality show on the plane, if I had a camera, I could have made some serious money.

After landing in Chennai, on the way home from the airport, I noticed quite a lot of changes, a result of upward spiral of economic boom currently gripping India. The roads were double the size, there were highways and flyovers being built almost everywhere but still...still...there was something in the air, I couldnt figure out what it was...perhaps the dreams and ambitions of the common man, the promise of a better tomorrow, the constant struggle to improve their lives...I couldnt figure out what it was. True, India was on the warpath, of putting itself back on the map, and trying to capture as much business as possible, because if there is one thing that we have, that is manpower. But how is success measured, is it what people can afford now as opposed to 10 years ago, is it financial statistics...amongst all this success, we still have a city which does not have frequent access to water or electricity, and floods are almost a common feature now whenever there is a heavy downpour. There was already a divide between the rich and the poor, wont all this success only drive that boundary deeper and deeper, the cities are flourishing but once you step outside the city, nothing much has really changed. What you have as a result is a Madras curry, with a bit of this and a bit of that, a hotchpotch of different flavours. Maybe that is what makes India great, that she can survive on very many levels, it has something for everyone, depending on what you can afford. It can provide the rich with anything money can buy, and on the other extreme the common man makes do with the available resources to provide for the family as best as he can. These two extremes and everything in between is probably also the driving force behind the increase in tourism, for people who want to go back to simple things and learn to appreciate them. Success, thus, is a double-edged sword, how India deals with it will surely make for a history lesson some day.

Something fishy about Iceland..

2006-09-04T15:42:00.000+02:00

Sitting here @ the Iceland airport waiting to board the 757 that is going to fly us back out of this island to Denmark, I thought this would the be the right time to note some highlights of this trip, some 'classic' moments. During our road trip on saturday, 2nd September, loads of things were said, that I just had to note down, they were funny then, they are funny now, and I am sure if this blog is still up in 5 years time, will still be funny then..so here goes, we like to refer to the following as typical 'schoolboy errors':

The following four people were involved in these errors:
Lee 'Shiny Shoes' Howell - LH
Jiri 'Nigga' Tresohlavy - JT
Kevin 'Geyser' Savage - KS
and myself... - BK

Error 1: [Some background info first..]We just left the hotsprings and got back to our 4x4, I was sitting at the wheel and noticed the other 3 guys checking out the car next to us, there was a girl sitting in the front seat, I reckon she was only about 15 - to say the least she would blossom into quite a good looking woman..we drove off, and at one point their car was right behind ours, so I said to KS, who was sitting in the back seat 'Why dont you mooon them', and at this point LH said "Yeah, show them what a real man's ass looks like!!"

Error 2: "Love Hurts!!" - generously donated by JT

Error 3: We were checking out the boiling mud pots in the middle of nowhere, and for some reason the mud was a rich grey in colour, very similar to clay, and my question was 'hmm, I wonder why the mud is grey, what could be causing that?' and at this point KS delivered the golden number 3: "Must be the chemicals at the core of Iceland"..

Error 4: The final location on our road trip was the Blue Lagoon - which I highly recommend if you are ever in this part of the world. While on the side of the lagoon, as I decided to rest on the side of the rough stony surface, I felt something jutting out into my backside, at which point I let out a little yell, KS at this point, in his usual English half-Viking half-skinhead manner said 'Oooh you must have enjoyed that' and here we go the final one of the day by yours truly, "No, because I have to be lying the other way around to be enjoying it, oh I mean..."

Last but not least, the picture below says it all, it was displayed in the men's changing room of Blue Lagoon, and I suppose this poster was aimed at people who have somehow avoided being in any contact with water, least of all to wash....and notice the strategically placed yellow spots!!

Get yo shit together, ma nigga...

2006-08-22T13:51:00.000+02:00

Just a little reminder for myself to post more often, and while I am at it, here is something for you to chew on (IF anyone AT ALL is even reading this or by mistake has been diverted by some divine intervention to this page)...ten things you probably dont (unless you know me pretty well) know about me:

1. i was born in argentina
2. i hate fruits of any sort in cakes
3. i still dont know what relationships are all about
4. i spend most of my money on clothes
5. the only indian actress that 'shizzles my nizzle': Tabu
6. i dont get angry/upset very often but when i do, stay away and leave me alone
7. i dont like talking about my problems but i am a good listener and can solve other people's issues
8. i HATE winters
9. my favorite colours: blue, followed closely by red
10. i am very religious about my exercise regime although the results are still to be seen

Vamos Argentina...and then they were gone...

2006-07-01T10:20:00.000+02:00

What a trip this World Cup has been so far, very good football, some surprises and of course, some disappointments as well. June 30th, 2006 - a date that most Argentinians will remember till the next world cup, one that Jose Pekerman will for sure remember as he handed in his resignation. This was the most awaited game - ARG vs GER, ARG with totally new young players, a fantastic composition of talent, who play football like it should be played, every member of the team is involved as they indulge in quick-passing breaking down each component of defense of the opposing team, it was treat to watch!! Germany, the real dark horses, even their own countrymen did not have any expectations from them, but they have infused a certain sense of national pride with their determination to defeat each of their rivals hoping to reach the final. BUT...oh yes, there is a but, let me make it very clear now..I am a very hardcore Argentina fan, so that was my last little attempt to give Germany as little credit as possible. The match was clearly dominated by the Argentinians, they scored early, put the pressure on Germany and kept up the attacking mode. The clencher for Germany was when the Argentinian goal keeper was injured and he was replaced, soon after Germany scored equalising..and the rest as they say is history.

I am not being biased here when I say that Argentinians were the World Cup favorites, and its sad that their exit was determined by something so random as a penalty shoot-out. The 90 second fight which broke out after Tim Borowski gestured towards the rival team to keep quiet after having scored his penalty, there was no need for that kind of behaviour, its not as if Germany had won this convincingly, if anything, luck was on their side. Its a sad way to end a match which was so well-fought and its even sadder that we will have to wait another four years to see what Argentina will then produce. Meanwhile, I am going to switch my loyalties to Brazil, who are the last of the South American posse to be still in the World Cup, and if Brazil exit, that will the be end of the World Cup for me, moreover, if England move any further, that will be the end of football for me - they are only so many disappointments a man can handle in his lifetime!!

El Diez..

2006-04-22T11:08:00.000+02:00

If you have bothered to read my profile, you will have noticed that I was born in Buenos Aires, Argentina. I have never visited Argentina, although I definitely intend to, but there is one thing I am very passionate about when it comes to that country, its inexplicable so I have never bothered to further delve into the reasons behind my feelings. One plausible explanation could be that when i was just a little more than a year old, and he was 15, I witnessed him playing his first match in professional football. Years passed, the year was 1986, I was in Vancouver, Canada and he was just about to create history in Mexico. If you are a football fan, you will know whom and what I am talking about, and if you are not...'he' is GOD Diego Armando Maradona, the event was the World Cup, THE match was England vs Argentina. Oh and the thing I am passionate about..my support for the Argentinian team during World Cups. Indians inherently are not capable of engaging in anything that causes physical stress...as Russell Peters said 'Do we look like we are capable of any phsyical labour?!?', but witnessing this event changed my perception of sports, my respect for football, and my never-ending admiration for the Argentinian team.

England vs Argentina, 1986, ask any English football fan about this game and they will start shaking their head vigorously in frustration as though the game had take place yesterday and the loss is forever etched as one of the life-changing events that have shaped Britain to be the country it is today. Anyhoo..England lost 1:2, in the quarter-finals to Argentina. The first goal was the very controversial 'Hand of God' goal which Maradona cheated into the back of the net, but that is not what I am paying tribute to. Basically he palmed the ball, the referee didnt see it, the score was 1-0, the English fans looked up towards the gods in despair..Maradona knew what he had done but didnt admit till after the match, his credibility was on tender hooks.

What he did next, often termed as the 'goal of the century', put all the speculation to rest..two words...Pure Genius. I am not going to even attempt to describe it, follow the link, watch it, feel it, and relish the fact that it happened in your lifetime: Pure Genius!!

Pimp my Nano!!

2006-03-28T13:40:00.000+02:00

I finally gave in to temptation and bought the nano. I admired it from within the case for a month, you cant blame me, it just looked perfect sitting there in its box. The nano is perfect in every way, its small, its light, good display, easy to you use, does the job and more. One thing I do miss, though, is video. I am hoping Apple will come out with a Ipod Nano Video - and while on the subject, here is my concept of it - Steve Jobs, if you come across this, please do get in touch ;-)

Any given sunday...

2006-02-20T10:16:00.000+01:00

So here I am, with my first ever blog - actually, thats a lie, I created one two weeks ago and then deleted it thinking it would just be too much work to keep going. But I have always been an optimist so lets just see where this goes. This morning my eyes first opened around 5 am, and then 6 am...anxiously waiting to watch the last India-Pak ODI. A friend had bought the match on the net, we 'borrowed' a projector from work, and we were gonna watch it on the wall...the definitive word here being 'were'!! He had gone out last night, only got home at 3 am so I got an sms while my alcohol-induced body was swaying in front of a friterie 'un hamburger avec frites et sauce samurai' - the eternal words that help me wake up the next morning with no hangover...yeah yeah fuck the calories, its THE cure for me. Anyway, the sms proclaimed he wouldnt be up till 8 am so I should get there for then. On this side of the world, we are 4 1/2 hours behind India so ODI day matches start at 6 am. I get to his house for 8 am, we start watching the match, its ALL good...India is in control, we take the crucial wickets, except for Zaheer's last over which took the total to 280+ and in the process screwed up his average. Then began the excurciating 'apparently-funny' call-in programme aptly called 'American Desi' where callers were given cricket questions in return for swamping the air waves with their nonchalant thoughts..blah blah is all I heard...and that point I agreed with my friend to stop the feed...BIG MISTAKE!! 45 minutes later, after the lunch break, when we decided to start watching the match again...one word is etched in my mind which describes the rest of the afternoon 'Buffering...'. (Enthu cricket fans at this point will be scratching their heads, nodding and saying 'BC, hamesha kuch na kuch lafda hota hai!!) That was it...we never got the feed back, we had to follow the rest of the match on cricinfo...GREAT win for India...yay I am very happy...BUT....BUT...would you believe we managed to miss all the exciting 'close' matches, the only match we did manage to see was a boring straight-forward win, cricket-nerds will remember the 2nd ODI!!

Half the day over, we had time to kill...we decided to watch the banned documentary 'The Final Solution' - for those who dont know what that is about, its about riots in Gujarat that took place in 2002. I wont say much about it, because things like that just make my blood boil and I could sit here eternally spewing blood at those who I think are responsible for this and propose mind-numbing torture methods to settle the score..watch it and come to your own conclusion...what happened was wrong, very wrong!! Too bad its banned, its only documentaries like this which can actually educate the public at large about how they are manipulated like puppets on a string.

My friends say I am always moaning and complaining, so what better place to vent my frustration. If some poor soul, which means you if you are reading this, stumbles on this page and is at a stage where he/she is contemplating life, on the brink of adding to the rising statistic of suicides, stick around and read my blogs, you will soon find a reason to stick that final nail in :-) If you are not one of those, please press the 'Back' button on top of this browser because you certainly wont be part of my fan following.

Ciao....